I’ve been falling down the nostalgia hole of classic episodes of Coast to Coast AM. If you don’t know what that show is it’s a nightly radio show about UFOs, ghosts, and cryptids. The show is completely ridiculous and unbelievable and that’s precisely why I love it. I don’t personally believe in paranormal encounters, but I love hearing stories of alleged tales of those who’ve been abducted or lived in a haunted house. You can be a skeptic and still love a good ghost story. Anyways, that inspired me to write the following story. It’s a bit ridiculous but that’s the point. I wanted to write what could be one of the craziest things somebody could share on the show.
Clint (Caller): … and that’s why our future is doomed.
George (Host): Interesting theory Clint. Alright, next caller. East of the Rockies. Who am I talking to?
Caller 2: Hey George, first-time caller, long-time listener. I love your show. I listen to it to every night.
George: Thank you very much. And your name?
Norm (Caller 2): Norm. From Washington.
George: Good evening Norm. You say you’re from Washington but you’re calling from the East of the Rockies line. Are you traveling?
Norm: <chuckles> I suppose you can say that.
George: Well what do you have for us tonight?
Norm: I wanted to tell you of something that just happened to me. I’m honestly still trying to piece it all together.
George: Perhaps I can help. What do you got for us?
Norm: Well I was out on a hike this morning. I don’t really get out that much, but with this being the New Year I figured I’d give myself a shot at one of those resolutions. <chuckles>
George: Don’t we all.
Norm: Anyhow. I was out in the woods about a few miles from the trailhead when I saw the strangest thing. Right there in the trees, I saw this two-legged creature walking with the longest stride, almost like it was strutting. Its arms swung like crazy too. Swinging back and forth like pendulums. I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me. I figured I’d spent so long in the city that I no longer knew what a man walking through trees looked like.
George: Hmm, interesting.
Norm: Before I could register what the thing was that damn thing swung its head over its shoulder and looked straight towards me. I can tell you something George, whatever that thing was not human. Its eyes were beastly and its body was covered in fur from head to toe.
George: Terrifying. What do you think it was?
Norm: <chuckles> Bigfoot I suppose. I never asked for its name.
George: When you mean asked, what do you mean?
Norm: I’m getting to that. This creature, whatever it was, looked at me in the soul. I didn’t know what to do. I just stood there frozen in terror. After a minute or so the creature’s mouth curled into a smile and nodded towards me. I don’t know what my brain was thinking because I did one of those things where I pointed at my chest and looked around me to see if it was addressing anybody else. There was nobody else, nobody for miles. What a fool I made of myself.
George: We’ve all been there. What happened next?
Norm: The creature approached me.
George: It approached you?
Norm: Uh-huh. It was fast too. Like blink and you’ll miss it fast. I couldn’t even react, it was just too damn fast for my mind to even register that it had moved. The next thing I know this tall hairy lanky creature about two heads taller than me is standing just outside of my personal space grinning at me. Do you know what’s weird about it all, George?
George: Seems pretty weird to me.
Norm: Its smile. It wasn’t a menacing grin. It was like the grin your grandpa gives you when you know he’s proud of you. Even under this creature’s inhuman face, I felt that same warmth. My body still was terrified, my heart pounding, but my brain knew that this thing meant no harm. The creature touched my shoulder and the next thing I know my muscles were no longer tense. I felt calm and collected.
George: Sounds like some sort of hypnosis.
Norm: I’ve been to hypnotherapy George. This ain’t nothing like it.
George: Do you mind me asking why you’ve been to hypnotherapy?
Norm: I’ve had strange encounters before. Been abducted a few times but I’ve never had anything like this.
George: What made this encounter different?
Norm: I wasn’t scared. I was completely at peace.
George: Interesting. So, this creature. This Bigfoot…
Norm: This creature held out its other hand and in it were a bunch of berries.
Norm: Uh-huh, like blueberries. It took its hand off of my shoulder and reached down and took one. It held out the palm full of berries towards me and I knew what to do. I took one.
George: What did they taste like?
Norm: Like blueberries, a little tart though.
George: Was this some sort of peace offering or something?
Norm: <chuckles> I guess you could call it that. The moment I swallowed one of those berries everything changed. The creature’s fur began wiggling and its brown coat began to shine brightly colored rainbows. The forest around us began to sway back and forth like kelp under the water. And the birdsongs had never sounded so beautiful. Behind the creature, a knot on a tree began to glow bright white light. The creature gave me that same comforting smile and nod and walked towards that knot. I followed.
When we arrived the knot twisted open into a doorway of white light. The creature extended its hand to me and I took it. Together we walked into the doorway hand in hand.
George: What was on the other side?
Norm: Everything George. I saw elves with golden teeth dancing on the rings of Saturn. I watched the Loch Ness Monster swim across the solar system. I even saw the greys who abducted me fly on by. I made sure to give them the bird as soon as they saw me. <chuckles>. The creature and I flew to the far ends of the universe and then out of it.
George, if you’ve never seen inter-dimensional space you’d never seen anything like it. It’s like looking at one of those magic eye pictures but things are always moving, swirling, and mixing with one another like a paint mixer but with colors you never thought could exist. The creature gestured to me and I knew what it wanted me to do, so I picked a universe and we flew towards it.
I met cactus people, I danced with the machine plants of gwynt and I fell in love with the Queen of Broccoli Hair. We married and ruled over our kingdom for a lifetime. The creature was still by my side the whole time giving me that same warm look. And on my deathbed, the creature took me by the hand and nodded. I said goodbye to my love and closed my eyes. The next thing I knew I woke up here with your radio show on.
George: And where’s here?
Norm: West Virginia I think. I’m not sure, I haven’t spoken to anybody since I got back. You’re the first person I’ve called. I’m in a motel room of sorts and there’s a map of West Virginia on the wall.
George: Is the creature still with you?
Norm: No, not anymore. I suppose it’s out in the woods. Just me, myself, and I here. It left me with a bowl of those berries though. I haven’t taken any yet, I don’t feel the need to. Anywho, I just wanted to give your show a call and share this story with the world. I guess there isn’t much of a moral of the story except that if a big hairy creature in the woods looks at you don’t fear. You never know what adventures you’ll go on. <Yawns> I’m pooped. You have a great New Years George.
George: And you too. You know folks I’ve been in radio for over three decades and I’ve never heard anything like that. Thank you for sharing your story with us Norm. We’ll return with more open lines after this commercial break.